An Empty Meat Locker with a single Computer, Troy walks in and sits down,
Troy: Welcome to fanfiction failure...And, this, is the finale of one of our more infamous fanfics. Jo Be-
Hawk walks in.
Hawk: We really need to evaluate your life.
Troy: Shut up. You're not my therapist.
Anarchy walks in with Hans.
Anarchy: So, then the guy's like “I'm anti-abortion” And then I stabbed him. And Gave him an abortion.
Hans: Ze hell does zat vork?
Troy: I don't even wanna know...
AN: UGH! I sad
Troy: We sad too, sweetie.
Hawk: Well, that's how the rape game works.
Troy: Dude, not funny.
1 Stop commentating on mi story nd stop FLAMING.
Anarchy:...HELLFIRE BITCHES!...What are you all staring at?
Thnks to SARA for editing!
Hans: Ja, thank you Sara. You truly make zis Literature come to life.
Thin the vulture librarian told us to go away. Then we wnt to HAMLETS house,
We ran slowly through hogwrts to hamlets house. HE Waz…
Anarchy: Let's just say he was, Masterbating.
HATCHING A DRAGON!111
Anarchy: Never heard It called that before.
we runs in.
"HAMLET YOU INGNORAMUS WAT DO YOU THIN YOUR DOING"
Hans: Vell, it appears he is hatching a dragon.
Anarchy: Sad face.
TO BE CONTINUED
Hawk: Sadder face.
AN: STOP FLAMIN U
Troy: What did U ever do to...well, you.
STUP BOTHERIN ME BOUT DAT DUM suicide ting.
Hawk: How was I supposed to know that combining elephant piss with a stick of butter and ten nuns would kill him?
BI DA way thnks 2 darrel 4 editin
Hans: You're just as good as Sara.
L DA SUTHURN Idragon
It terns ote da dregon waz rely a suthurner, o surry hagrid, a=we all sed.
Anarchy: I think their logic is broken.
THEEN… WE TOTEE THE DREGON TRIKS!1111111111
Hans: Bark, Fetch, roll over, I'm sure they're learning along with ze dog.
TO BE CONTINUD3ew/
AN: STOP FLAMIN!111111111 im publishin mi hungr gams stury 2morrow!111111111111111111111111111
Hans: Vhat are all ze ones about?!
Tanks 2 darrel 4 editin!111111111111111111
Chapter ? wat chapter is it lol
Troy: I have great faith in your skills as a writer.
We plaed with the dregon but then we luked thru the windo…
"O NO HAMLET UR NUT SUPPOSED TO HAV A DRAGON"
Hawk: Well, DAYUM!
"O MI GOSh," JIM BOB SHOTED, "WAT SHALL WE
We ran to the forbiden dorest.
Anarchy: Well, that's one way to answer a question.
THer was sum1 ther….
Hans: VUNDERBAR! Cut out it's heart! Ve may make a cure to AIDs yet!
AN: SORRY IT TUKE SOOOOOOOOOOOOO long 2 updat
CHPATER ^*!1111111111111111111 SA misterius unicorn AND VOLDYMORT!11111111111111111
Troy: Wait...When was this a Harry Potter fanfic?
I followed the unicorn with darrel, ,we ran thru THE FORBIDEN FORRSET!
We ran through the forest to help find the hurting uinkorns.
Jim bob wnt 1 way with darrel and me and herminone wnt another way. Hamlet wnt to his house in feer.
Bubba (rmmbr dats wat haree changd hiz nam 2 cuz hes mi bruthur)
Hawk: Remember that this story sucks.
wnt with jim bob nd darel.
Then Hermione nd I saw…
KWIRREL SUKING BLOOD OUT OF A UNIKORN!
Kwirrel: I DO THIS EVERY TUESDAY!
TO BE CONTINEUD1!11111111
Ban: ok luzers isen up. im riten a kronicles of naria stury!111111 GO REED IT. 1 of mi frends, hoos mi dads neece nd is mi cuzin mite b joinin, her nam iz suzana but we call her suzee
Troy: Are you going to tell us your security number or is that not personal enough?
Chaptr (da nxt chaptr dufus dnt u understand)
Hans:...Zat was a short chapter.
BI THE WAE STOP FLAMING U STUPID GAES
Wnt ovr 2 the unicorn.,
I sawe kwirrel nbd beet him up….
DUMbldum flu op on his flien carpit!111111111111111
Dumbledore: MAH PIMP HAND HAS GAVE ME THE POWERS OF A GENIE!
2 b cuntinude
AN: Stop flaming, you stupid bimbos, thnks to sara for editing.
BYTHEWAY stop flaming, commentating, makin dramatic readings on utube
Troy: You can find them here:
(STOP MKAIN DRAMATIK REEDINGS U STUPID AUSTRALIEN)
All: WE COME FROM THE LAND DOWN UNDER WHERE WOMEN GLOW AND MEN DO THUNDER!!!
stop bein mean 2 me. IF ANY1 FLAMES ILL KILL MY SELF!
If you falme yur OBVIUSLEe a gay persun!111111111
Hans: It's power leader indicates, it's over Nine thous-Wait...I have that upside down and backwards...It's actually six...Wait..It's going down!
Dumbledorre flew up to sav us. "BUT…."
Quewirrel tride to kill Dumbledore!1111111111 BUT I SAVD HIM!111111111
Dumbledore: MAH MAGIC CARPET PROTECTED ME!
"OMHJSHG thank u jo belle`,' he bleated.
Then we all went back to the castle, HAGRID WAS decoratin for eester. Ronuld and jim bob were with me. I wnt to bed. THAT NITE…
I wok up and saw…..
Troy: Please tell me he was in the bed next to her.
:WAt DA HEk?"
"oh hi there jo belle I was jus bein the eester bunny, but DNT TELL ANY!"!
Hans: It appears he's high.
I sad ok, then I went bak to sleep.
Hawk: Stranget wet dream ever.
To be continured…
AN: I lOVE YIOU DARREL!111 yur the bedt bf in the worlf I will always LUV u!111111
Hans: Roses are Red, Violets are blue, you suck. Period.
U r mi harts desire!11 u r miiiiiiiiiiiiiiine! Yur the best persun in the hole wide wurld!11
Anarchy: Candy is sweet, you are an idiot.
You aare VERY smart, your SUPER hot and sXy!111 you LUV me, and I LUV u. we r SOLEMATES!11111111111
Troy: AND COUSINS!
I will aLLWAYS LUV U!1111111111111
I cant w8 till wer mareed. By the way we mite drop ote of skool to get mareed!
ALL: WHOA! SHE WAS IN SCHOOL?!
111111111 Isnt dat cook?/
Bi da wae nanashi stupp messin with me yur annoyin. Yur VERY immature
Hans: She's an expert when it comes to immaturity.
By the wae all u GAY flamers need 2 go 2 hel!111111
YUR ALL JELUS THAT I GUT 1000 REVEWS non of U hav dat manee revews
ON WIT DA STURY…
Troy: Well, that is a good point, wether it's good or bad, all you can really hope for is publicity.
Chapter 71: the sortin hats .
The nxt day we wer called in to the grate hall,. The surtin hat waz ther,
"guys I hav a secrit 2 tell u!111"
"OMG WAT IZ IT," we all sed.
Hat: I'M GAY!
Ther is a new hogwerts house that's been discovered!11111111"
"!" we all sed.
Nowe da new order iz…\
Slitherin, wich iz still daa uglee gay house,
Troy: Why is everyone hating on Slytherin?
Hufflypuf wich is wer da butiful suthurner go
Revenclaw is still da cleva suthurners, now grifedor is goin to be da brav suthuners!And nowe the new hous will b….. REDNEKMaNIA (yeh, I no im a redneck, cuz redneks r awsum) dis is the house for the AWSUM SEXY BUTIFUL CLEVER SMART AMAZING BRAVA WUNDERFUL COOL BRILLINT SUTHUNERSn GOOOOOOO!11111111111111
All: BURN IT! BURN IT!
Jo bel darel bubba jim bob and sum other relly awsum suthuners go
AN: STUP flamin dumbledorks.
yur confuzin me. Hoos impersonating sum1?
Aneway hers chaptr 72 I hop u LUV it!111111111
Troy: It's about as lovable as it Coherent.
Captr 72: DA SURPRISE, iv got a surprise, sum1 U no wil be in it
We went 2 daaa rednek commen room. HERMINOE RAN UP, today she was iin a dress with jo belles face on it, she was werin a bunch of jo belle rings 2, she even had a jo bel tattoo!11
"JO BEL HO BEL," she screemes.
" I asked" crazily
"I FOUND NIKOLAS FLAMEL!111111111111111111"
"OHMIGUSH,' dareyl screemed cuming to us.
"yeh hes on da bak of da choklat frog card. RELLY"
Hawk: She got it at chapter one and has spent the entire story trying to earn how to read.
we all asked generously
"yeH!" she screa,ed.
We all jumped 4 joy.
NANASHI CAM UP!111111111111111111111111111
I culd tell rite away she was a dum lesbeen nurthernur!
"I H8 u" she sed, lukin green (U no, cuz she luks grene a lot, lol)
I kiked her boody!111111111 then we torturd her!1111111111
Troy: How come You never put me in your stories? It's official! JO BELLE LOVES NANASHI!
Then….. we brote out sum elektrikal shokers!111111111111
2 b cunitndude
AN: STOP FITEN ovr me, I know im pretty but iv alredy got a bf. Hiz nam is DARRyl.
Thanks to sara for editin!
BY the waay, if you choose ME, ill let you uze som of the whips we hav. We use them to hurt the blak people in oour cellar lol.
Bi the way STOP IMPERSENATING ME!111111111111111111 Som1 is impersonating me!
We killed nanashi lol. Then the battle of hugwrts happned!11 I beet up all the STUPID flamers!11111111111
It terns out ther was a secrit! IT was…. Nicolas flammel
Five figures stood outside Hugwarts. It, in a matter of speaking, was a mess. People dressed in KKK uniforms ran around, one of the figures, a bulky aryan covered with stitches blinked.
“Vhat ze Ficken?...ZE HELL IS GOING ON?!”
One of the others, a man with golden eyes chuckled.
“Oh hell yes.”
A tall boy with glasses groaned.
“We're in the goddamn story.”
He turned to the two,
“Hawk, Hans, make some noise.”
Hawk drew a long knife and strode forward, Hans was not far behind, The masked figure started to walk forward but the youth grabbed his shoulder.
“Let them enjoy themselves Anarchy.”
Hawk glanced at Hans,
“So, whatsay we make it a challenge? Biggest Body count wins.”
Hans grabbed a KKK member and rammed his thumbs into their eye sockets before breaking their neck.
Hawk stabbed one in the stomach then whirled around, slitting one's throat. Troy watched the carnage, he blinked.
“Wait, something's off...Where are Jo Bekke and her cronies?”
A massive force blasted him in the back, sending him tumbling. He blinked and looked up, a tall blonde girl looked at him, she held a staff with three wands on the end. Anarchy lunged at her but was siezed by a massive hulking man.
“You stupid, gay Northerners never learn do you? My story is perfect.”
Troy got to his feet.
“Says the homophobic bitch.”
Jo Bekke scowled.
“Look at what you've done! Nothing but stupid, two-bit, unfunny commentaries! Your characters are all one dimensional, whenever you try to write a story it's crap! Hell, you can't even finish some of your stories.”
“Well, that's true. I'm not funny, I'm an asshole who mocks others to feel better about his own work, then I mock myself. I also confess, I'm a damned fool for attacking you here without a trump card.”
Troy fell back as a green light slammed into him, pain lancing through his body as he spasmed. Anarchy struggled against Hamlet's grip. Damn! Without Troy, Riot mode wasn't an option! Troy spasmed more and more, Jo Bekke lifted her Pitchfork wand,
Two massive Pillars of light engulfed the inside of Hugwarts, One, blood red. The other, Electric blue. Hans and Hawk strode out through the doors, Hawk's skin had turned crimson, a black hole formed over his heart, Hans strode beside him, two metal spikes jutted out of his shoulder blades and his body crackled with electricity. Hawk looked at him,
“Who do you want?”
Hans scanned the Enemies.
“Jim Bob...Darryl. You?”
They ran forward, Jim Bob drew his Wand,
Hans took a blast to the chest, tumbled and rose. He spread his arms.
He opened his mouth as a massive shockwave of electricity shook through the landscape, Jim Bob and Darryl were shoved back despite their shock wave. Hawk helped up Troy.
“Hurry up. Hans is winning!”
Troy looked at Anarchy.
“Riot mode. Codeword: Blutbad.”
Anarchy writhed as Hamlet dropped him. He fell to his knees, Shards of bone pierced through his back from his spine, his hands became Clawed. His mask split open, revealing a maw of needle-like teeth and a long black tongue. Anarchy screamed, then ran on all fours towards Hugwarts, The wizards were gathering themselves up for an attack. Troy smirked as the first line disappeared into a fine red mist, He turned to Jo Bekke.
“Now, Where were we?”
He reached out, a long black Rapier formed in his hand, a trench coat, fedora and mask covered his body, He got into a fencing stance,
Hamlet unleashed another Blow against Hawk, the Demon felt the blow crack a rib, His grin merely spread. He siezed the Giant beard and launched a fist into the Southerner's face, feeling bone break.
“Come on big man! Fight!”
Hamlet looked at him, sighed, and drew an umbrella from his coat.
A massive blast of red light slammed into Hawk, sending him flying through the air and slamming into a boulder. The demon's shoulder was dislocated, yet his grin spread even wider.
“This...THIS IS FUCKING AWESOME! THE HELL WITH THE THRIFT SHOP, THIS IS WHERE IT'S AT! COME AT ME BRO!”
Hamlet raised his umbrella,
A blue mist flew past Hawk,
He stalked towards the giant, then paused...Why was he in a shadow? He looked up, the boulder was floating in the air above him.
The boulder smashed down.
Hans swung at Darryl, a wave of electricity lashing out as his every movement, he had to give this one credit, they were skilled at blocking his attacks, He had to go for the u- Hans lifted his arm, creating a thunder bolt to scatter the effects of a miscellaneous spell. He blasted a thunder bolt at Jim-Bob, only to be hit in the back of the head with a stupify spell by Darryl, He collapsed, but the energy in his body was unable to allow him to sleep. He dashed at Jim Bob, seizing his head and slamming it to the ground. Lightning coursed through his body through the Sue's body, causing him to flail around, his eyes bubbled before popping and soon, Hans was holding a charred skull, he dropped the body and turned towards Darryl.
“Vell zen, shall ve continue zis fight?”
Troy lunged forward, parrying another spell, the downside to bringing a sword to a magic fight was range. He had to close the gap, Jo Bekke launched another curse at him, he raised his blade, parrying the spell, feeling it's energy disperse, he looked around, there was a torso of a Hugwarts member, it still had most of it's body parts, grabbing it by the collar, he lifted it, and ran forward, feeling the blast of each spell through his make-shift shield, when he got close enough he slashed down, only to have it meet wood, Jo Bekke had defended it with the shaft of her pitchfork wand,
She kneed him in the crotch and slammed the side of the pitchfork wand into his head, sending Troy reeling against a fence. He leaned against it, before lifting his blade. The Southerner raised her weapon. He sighed,
“My name, is Troy Nelson. You killed my Brain cells. Prepare to die.”
There was a flash of crimson and green. Jo Bekke gasped, blood spilled from her mouth, she looked down at the blade through her chest.
“I-Impossible! You're a dumb, gay, northerner! Nothing-you coul-”
She looked at Troy, He was shaking with every movement.
“You-you were hit by the spell!”
Sweat began to build on his brow, his vision swam, with every amount of will power he could muster, he forced the Rapier blade down to the hilt, Jo Bekke gasped, blood trickled out of the wound and came in a stream from her mouth, The two collapsed together.
Hawk grunted. Black ichor poured from his forehead, the skin had been busted open, He grinned. This was a good fight. Hamlet slammed a boot into his ribs, sending the demon onto his back. Hawk blinked, he looked up to see an umbrella the sole of a boot, Hamlet repeated stomped on the creature's head and ribs, breaking two more, he then looked at the bleeding demon and drew his wand again.
Hawk was lifted bodily off the ground and tumbled, the collisions with the ground removing the skin from his arms and torso. He came to a halt and stood, another spell slammed into it, sending him tumbling head over heels. He growled as another spell shot towards him, he extended his arm, feeling an aura of Hellfire engulf his arm, he released the unholy blaze in a stream, dispersing the spell, scorching the earth and hitting Hamlet. The giant screamed in pain as his shoulder dissolved into ashen bone, He looked at it and turned, Hawk stood in front of him, And uppercut to the Solarplexus lifted him off his feet, followed by a bone breaking roundhouse to the face, breaking his lower jaw. Hamlet stumbled back, the demon grabbed him from behind and suplexed him. Hamlet rolled into a tired ball.
Hawk grinned, he loved this. When the opponent was begging, that's when he had truly won. Hawk drew his knife, lifted it, and sw-A massive tendril of flesh smashed through the wall of Hugwart and slammed into Hamlet before exploding into Blood, Hawk stared dumbfounded at what had just occurred and glanced at his opponent. Hamlet struggled to his feet. Hawk grinned.
“Shall we continue?”
He grabbed Hamlet, and swung, Hamlet slammed his fist into Hawk's nose, issuing a crack of bone. Hawk reached for his knife and drew it, only to have his entire head engulfed by a hand and slammed into the ground. He blinked, spitting out a tooth and rose, only to have a boot slam his head back down. Hamlet smiled, stomping over and over again. Hawk's vision swam, the grass below his head turned crimson with blood. His skin was no longer red, He exhaled, slowly. A kick caught him in the head and he tumbled across the ground on to his back, only to gasp as a boot landed on his chest. Hamlet looked down at him, drawing his umbrella and pointing it at his head.
“You Dumb, stupid, Northerner. You rea-”
Hawk buried his knife into Hamlet's thigh and twisted, causing the giant to shout, Hawk got up and swung, drawing a trail of scarlet across Hamlet's throat.
Hans frowned. Darryl was parrying all of his blows, He swung again, only to have a shield form, blocking his attack, The flesh-golem stepped back.
He swung, unleashing an arc of thunder, Darryl blocked it, only to roll out of the way as a thunderbolt struck where he was standing. He glared at Hans.
“That was Gay.”
Hans chuckled, The metal rods hummed with electricity as the flesh golem fell on his knees, his muscles swelled, his shirt ripped and his skin turned pale, he got up. Darryl looked at him.
“THE HELL IS THAT?”
“Tosender Macht. Let's see you block this.”
He charged forward, Darryl drew his wand.
Hans grabbed his arms and grinned, lightning surrounded them, leaving a Crater. Hans sighed and looked around, he was standing in a crater.
“So, you won?”
“Schiss. They're stronger then I expected.”
Hawk nodded. Hans looked at him.
“How long until we have to deal with the Prayer Warriors?”
“No time soon thank god.”
They looked at Hugwarts, currently with several tendrils of flesh smashed through the walls.
“...I think he's doing well.”
“Let's get a beer.”